Monday, June 1, 2009

When Life Gets Rough

Lately things seem to be coming in waves. Right now the wave is not going so well. Daniel most likely ruptured a herniated disk in his back. He'll most likely have to have back surgery to alleviate the pain that he's in. Because of that, well be skipping the beach trip this year. Then, Sarah is testing out the strong willed gene that is a vital part of her being. Even reading The Strong Willed Child by James Dobson is not giving me hope at the moment. Ashton is fairing much better. He swings between good moods and a bit of the whiny stage. On top of that, we are being hit by medical bills. As I said, the wave is not going so well.

So here I am. Pregnant and huge. The hormones are awful this pregnancy. But, praise God because the baby is doing great. I'm just not sure what is going on with me. I swing between good moods and sour moods. I try to have patience, but it doesn't always materialize when I plan for it. To be honest, I'm not sure what is me and what is the hormones any more. Any time something gets me upset, I have to do some serious thinking to determine if it would normally make me mad. Then I have to deal with it. (Unless I've already gone off about it!) I've even cried more that I've cried in the last year. I'm not a huge fan of crying. Don't get me wrong, when I need to cry I'll belt it out. But now I cry when my feelings are hurt. I don't feel as hopeful about things. I'm normally a can-do/realistic optimist. Daniel sometimes thinks I'm too sure of myself. Now I am questioning things more than ever. I don't function well in that scenario.

So here I am on a hormone wave. I'm trying to be in a good mood, but it's hard. Since Daniel is down, it's getting tougher. He's trying so hard to keep up with things that he normally takes care of but it's tough on him. But, he's in so much pain and it's not going to get better any time soon. And me, I'm having a hard time not being in control of my emotions (or the hot flashes for that matter). I really don't like being so shifty emotionally. It keeps me off balance. That's never good when Sarah is going through a testing stage.

In the end, God is faithful. I'm working hard to rely on him more. It's tough though. The ups and downs don't help me "feel" his closeness. I know that he's there, but not feeling it is tough. I guess in the end that is what faith is all about. I don't feel Him, but that doesn't mean anything. I know he is near. And that will get me through the next few months while things start to settle.

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